Football TV Programme Heaven
I'm going to start off with a proper football throw back. If you're born 1990's or earlier and have a good memory for things, you'll probably remember these things. Here we go:
Soccer AM back in the day was the absolute dog's bollocks. I'm talking about the 10-yard bucket challenge, soccerette, crossbar challenge, topless weather and the world of wrestling. YOU SHUT UP!! Soccer AM actually ran from 1994 to 2013. 22 years, but how many of those years were good? I would say from around 1996 to about 2008. Mainly because of one person, although, I'm not saying he was the only one who did anything good and everyone else didn't contribute to how good the show was. It's more he was the orchestrator. Of course, I'm talking about Tim "Timothy" Lovejoy! His role as presenter / producer on the show was gold. Surrounded by other producers, directors and behind the scenes cast he ran the show up and up and up until it was the best football show on TV, for about 10 years. I've seen clips of when Tubes is talking about Lovejoy and if anyone did anything wrong in a sketch there was a 3 strike system. He would let them know when they've lost a strike while they were on camera. This sounds hilarious and probably what you need from a leader. Lovejoy made the standards of the show very high and made sure everyone was up there on the standards scale with him. He would let people show and express their creative side and bring their own sketches to the show. People like Robbie Knox aka Tramp, Pete Dale aka Tubes, John Fendley aka Fenners, Joel Worsley aka Sheephead, Rocket, Baby Elvis and many more.
The cast back in the day was top draw and slightly changed year on year. It was usually providing so many good ideas and sketches that just caught on and went from screen to football grounds up and down the country like wild fire. While I'm talking about personnel from the show, I've obviously left out someone from the golden era. That is "The first lady of football," Helen Chamberlain. Hells Bells brought so much to the show with her epic presenting skills. She was almost like the glue of the show and made sure that whatever Lovejoy had come up with that week flowed and worked well. Sometimes that was an impossible job yet she rolled with it. Her knowledge on football is exquisite and the way she can be serious but also hilariously funny is majestic. She had a great personality on the show where she would only take so much before she would tell whoever it was to jog on. Maybe if she wasn't on air she may have used a different choice of language. Everyone knew where you stood with her yet was very lovable and caring.
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Whether the shot was in the Luther Blissett stand, out in the Frank Macabenny car park or in some team's training ground you knew what you was getting was gold. Some of the features on the show were brilliant. Stupidly simple but brilliant. As simple as "Topless Weather." Basically Sheephead stood topless reading out a made up weather report and always ending with, "and down south, light drizzle." For whatever reason it was hilariously catching and even now you will hear people saying "light drizzle" in a similar way to how Sheephead pronounced it. Other catchy phrases that came up over the years were: "Megnuts!" "Unbelievable Tekkers" "Taxi!" "Bouncebackability"; which I think has actually been added into the Oxford Dictionary as a result. To top it all off, my personal favourite was the two wrestlers. One wrestler pins the other to win the bout and proceeds with, "EASY! EASY! EASY!" Points at a bemused member of the public, "YOU SHUT UP! EASY EASY EASY!" It was fucking gold. Before you knew it if a team anywhere in the UK was winning on a Saturday afternoon, guess what the chant was. EASY! EASY! EASY! Everyone clapping their hands above their head. It even crossed sports. I'm sure it went into the 2005 Ashes series. Absolute gold.
Soccerette. Soccerette is a strange one to talk about when I think about it. However, after listening to the gang on the Soccer A-Z podcast defend themselves over Soccerette, I'm not going to bend to the "woke nonsense" of people saying this segment of the show was sexist, misogynistic or any type of crap. They actually stated that they don't have a problem with looking back on it now as all the women that appeared on the show, to play the role of the soccerette applied to do it. No one was ever put into that position not wanting to do it. Yes, it wouldn't be shown on TV now yet, the show had bag loads of applications from women wanting to come on the show to do it. Lovejoy doing the cat walk to "Mr Big Stuff" was hilarious. Another one that was such a simple concept but worked so well. It was all just to advertise the merchandise of a Soccer AM T-shirt. With a few simple questions of "how old are you?" followed by a chorus of "great age!" Plus asking their relationship status. If they were single it was all cheers, if they were in a relationship of any shape or form it was followed by "it will never last!" Brilliant TV that will never happen again due to the wokeness of the new generation that the country bends over to.
Another great segment and sketch on the show was the creation of Tubes. Tubes' real name is Pete Dale. He acquired the name of Tubes after playing the role of "Peter the test tube baby." Another sketch from the show that probably wouldn't be on air today, especially with Tubes coming out as an alcoholic. Tubes made it through that humiliation by been given one question and one question only. This segment absolutely blossomed meaning that Tubes got to meet almost every A list celeb you can think of. Film starts, singers and song writers, sports stars across the world and ask them one question and one question only, in a rap style statement followed by some noise. It was brilliant due to the personality of Tubes. Actually, it was his shyness that made it and the fact he was able to hold a straight face while everyone else around him was in fits of hysterics.
Third eye was brilliant, with clips that were caught on camera from the action of some game that week. The fans of the week from whatever club and then they went on to perform in the car park game towards the end of the show. They had slightly different holes to kick the ball into, depending on what year it was. The first one I can remember is the face of former England manager, Sven Gorran-Eriksson and then it changing to just the word Wembley. I think the best shot I've ever seen in that game was Serge from Kasabian. The flick up and hit plus to make it even better he's wearing some slip on boot. Boston Goals still cracks me up today. Clips from the MLS before it became as big as it is today with an impersonating commentator with a strong American accent describing the action with some outlandish terminology. "Mandatory arm swing" for throw in, "PK Kick" for freekick, "Upper 90" for the stanchion, "ejected" for red card, and "rejected" if the keeper made a save. It was about 20 years ago yet we still use this terminology from time to time in our 5 a side games and it's just as hilarious.
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There's so many great memories about Soccer AM to talk about. The show was dynamite for so many years. I'm really not a morning person and back then as a child - teenager I was even less of a morning person. Yet, I would religiously set my alarm every Saturday morning to wake me up for Soccer AM. 9am - midday on a Saturday was epic. It just wouldn't happen these days. The world has changed. I would say the show slowly declined in quality over the years and everyone knew it. Viewers, cast and crew, TV bosses as it went down to 2 hours from 3 hours. After Lovejoy left the show was still very good for a few years. He left in 2007 and I'd say up until around 2010 I would still watch week in week out yet I slowly stopped watching. In 2017 when Hells Bells left it was probably at it's lowest and trying really hard to become what it use to be. Bringing in Jimmy Bullard who is great, yet not a presenter. Lloyd Griffith did a job for a few year but maybe tried too hard to be the Lovejoy of the team and it didn't work. The show was the best on TV and it showed clearly that it was the people working in front and behind the camera to make the show the spectacle that it was.
Just like it is following in this blog, it also followed in the TV guide on a Saturday. Soccer Saturday. A 3 hours programme in Soccer AM followed by a 5 and a half hour programme. Imagine that today with the attention span of kids now. Tik Tok clips of games because they can't sit through a 90 minute game. We use to sit for 8-9 hours on a Saturday to soak in the football day. Soccer Saturday was top back in the day. It was at it's best during the time when Jeff Stelling was presenter joined by pundits Paul Merson, Phil Thompson, Charlie Nicholas and Matt Le Tissier. The only one still left standing is Merse. The craic that the 5 of them use to have every week made it feel like 5 men sat in a pub talking and watching football. It's all you wanted and needed on a Saturday afternoon from the TV. You got you're goal alerts as they went in all around the grounds plus analysis of the games and how teams were doing. The build up was all about the lads talking about the games coming up, any news from the week and talking points about each team. Then come 3 o'clock the scores rolled in from reports around the ground plus the 4 pundits in the studio.
I will never forget the funniest moment on Soccer Saturday. All I have to say is Chris Kamara and if you know, you know. "No, you're right Jeff. I saw him going off but I thought they were bringing a sub on." And the place erupted with laughter and so did everyone watching at home.
Everyone loves Chris Kamara. People who have worked with him and people who have watched him on their screens. I've never heard anyone say a bad word about him. He has the charm, the charisma and the sense of humour to make anyone and everyone like him.
It's 2010 and Portsmouth are playing Blackburn Rovers in the Premier League. Jeff says the famous line, "There's been a red card at Fratton Park, but to who, Chris Kamara?" As soon as the camera turns to Kammy, you know something isn't right. The bemusement on his face is comical.
"I don't know, Jeff. Has there? I must have missed that." Replies Kammy.
"Have you not been watching Chris? I haven't. I don't know what been going on. What's happened Chris?" Says Jeff knowing that he's setting Kammy up for more comedy.
"Err.. I don't know Jeff." As the first ripple of laughter comes off camera from Merse, Thommo and Charlie Nicholas.
"Chris let me tell you, according to our sources Anthony Van Denbor has been sent off from a second bookable offence. Get your fingers out and count up the players on each team." Jeff is loving every second of this because he knows it is creating TV comedy gold.
Kammy quickly replies, "Oh yeah you're right Jeff. I saw him going off but I thought they were bringing a sub on." And the studio erupts with laughter.
Absolute gold and will take a lot to be topped as the funniest moment in Soccer Saturday history. You don't get many characters like Kammy on TV anymore. Everyone seems to have been put in line and put into a system that you must follow. People follow and do it because there is such a strong cancel culture now.
The job that Jeff Stelling did on Soccer Saturday will never be repeated. Not only did he have a great personality for the job of presenting and showing great rapport with guests, the match reporters and the 4 pundits in the studio, he also showed great knowledge of the game. Come 4:40pm - 4:45pm when all the scores were starting to roll in; one by one, simultaneously; he was able to show his experience and handle the controlled chaos with ease. Even when others would step in for him and have now taken over from him, no one will ever really do it as well as he did. The same could be said about the 4 pundits in the studio. Merse is still there but sometimes I wonder why they kept him on and why the other 3 were axed. What did Merse bring that the other 3 didn't? Is it because of the problems he's had in his life? Would the suits and bosses of the programme and channel will feel guilty if something was to happen to him if he also lost his job?
When I've heard about Phil Thompson, Charlie Nicholas and Matt Le Tissier talk about why they lost their jobs on the programme, you don't get much of an answer. Rather, there wasn't an answer. In interviews, Tiss gets told that Sky Sports need to keep their reputation. Maybe they didn't like how he gave his opinions on certain subjects and sometimes it's clever not to be clever. Posting on social media isn't for everyone and if you don't understand that organisations like the BBC and Sky supposedly have censorship and don't like their employees stating their views on certain subjects in the world.
Back in the day, TV was just better. The things that happened and things that were said, the personalities on TV were just better than they are now. The world is changing and a lot of programmes are now going online to YouTube videos and podcasts. Maybe because people can almost say what they want more and there's less rules and scheduling. It makes a lot of things more accessible and a lot of the times make more sense. Whether it's for better or for worse.
And Long Live Sir Billy Connolly!
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